Everything you didn't know about sex, but thought you did

Rihanna, 'whooping up her love for whips and chains.' Photograph: Rex Features
 
If there's one thing we absolutely, definitely know about sex, it's that men desperately want penetration and women need more hugs to be happy. Except that, actually, maybe that isn't true at all, because an international survey of couples for the Kinsey Institute suggests that it's men who thrive on non-sexual physical intimacy, while women are remarkably unfussed about being cuddled. All this time we've been enjoining the boys to try a little tenderness, and it turns out that it might be girls who tend to be stingy with their embraces. The Kinsey survey is only a start to understanding how couples feel about sex and intimacy in long-term relationships, but it's fascinating because – despite the fact that we seem to live in oversexed times, when we can all enjoy Rihanna whooping up her love for whips and chains, get the ins and outs of footballers' lives on tabloid front pages and even be seduced into buying cat food with weirdly eroticised adverts – we don't actually know very much about how much sex matters in ongoing partnerships. We certainly don't seem to be very good at valuing sex as a part of relationships. Over the weekend, I was surprised to read a moving confession from a man describing himself as "the rejected husband", who describes the misery and rejection of being in a relationship where sex has died. "I ache for you," he writes. "Not for sex, but for sex with you." It shouldn't be shocking to hear that sex is important, and those who are forced to live within the restricted means of a beloved partner's limited libido are often very unhappy; but it is, because the voice of honest, faithful frustration so rarely gets a platform. And when people like the rejected husband do get an answer on problem pages, it's rarely a sympathetic one. Instead, they're often told that they're the one doing it wrong. Give your partner a break from housework and offer her a massage, suggests Dear Deidre. Talk to your wife about sex, says Luisa Dillner, to a man whose question explicitly states that his wife refuses to talk about her lack of desire for sex. Have you considered, asks Mariella Frostrup of a man whose wife has refused to have sex at all for two-year stretches, that you might actually be a bastard? Sharing out the burdens of domesticity, communicating and reflecting on your own behaviour are all important things, obviously; but the underlying message here is that if you've tried those things and you're still not satisfied, then you'll simply have to live with sexual starvation, or leave. That doesn't seem very fair. It's actually pretty reasonable to expect sex to be a continuous part of a relationship; the partner who's being unreasonable is the one who's decided on their own that physical intimacy is over – not because of health problems, other relationships issues or an immediate obstacle such as just having had children, but purely because he or she doesn't fancy bunking up any more. In that situation, the partner who's been shunted off to the edge of the mattress should be able to say that this is a problem without feeling guilty or ashamed. And the one doing the shunting should be encouraged to concede that, actually, expecting someone who wants sex to go without it permanently is asking them to go way beyond any reasonable definition of fidelity. One other, encouraging way that the Kinsey report went against expectations was by showing that women became more sexually satisfied as they got older (the researchers guessed that this might be a result of children growing up relieving stress on mothers, while reduced anxiety about fertility made sex more enjoyable for women). And the really heartening finding was that, when relationships lasted, they seemed to get better with time. Things do seem different for men and women, but, if the Kinsey research is accurate, not in exactly the ways we expected. Agony aunts, maybe it's time to stop suggesting that rejected husband makes do with giving his wife a neck rub and insist that she gives him one instead. It'll make him happier, even if it doesn't lead to sex; and for her, it's an investment towards a contented middle age where the sex begins to get really good.

The True Origin of AIDS

The origin of AIDS and HIV has puzzled scientists ever since the illness first came to light in the early 1980s. For over twenty years it has been the subject of fierce debate and the cause of countless arguments, with everything from a promiscuous flight attendant to a suspect vaccine programme being blamed. So what is the truth? Just where did AIDS come from?

The first recognised cases of AIDS occurred in the USA in the early 1980s (more about this period can be found on our History of AIDS page). A number of gay men in New York and California suddenly began to develop rare opportunistic infections and cancers that seemed stubbornly resistant to any treatment. At this time, AIDS did not yet have a name, but it quickly became obvious that all the men were suffering from a common syndrome.

The discovery of HIV, the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, was made soon after. While some were initially resistant to acknowledge the connection (and indeed some remain so today), there is now clear evidence to prove that HIV causes AIDS. 
Most people believe that the origin of HIV, the AIDS virus, derives from some natural evolutionary event. Key among these HIV origin theories is the so called "cut hunter theory" in which a human, allegedly African native, received a bloody wound or infected splash while preparing a chimpanzee carrying a similar virus (i.e., SIVcpz). Most recent research, along with the scientific consensus, holds that the origin of HIV and AIDS could never have happened this way.
In 2001, The Royal Society of London's conference proceedings, which sought to determine the initial cause of AIDS and the origin of HIV, were published for the world to behold. The most highly respected scientists and academicians debated the possibility that HIV-1, the most widespread and deadly human AIDS virus, evolved from accidental vaccine contaminations and subsequent transmissions to mostly African villagers. The oral polio vaccine (OPV) received the focus of interest here since that vaccine was partially derived from growing live polio viruses in monkey kidney cells that have historically proven to be contaminated with cancer viruses such as SV40 -- the 40^th monkey virus ever discovered. This virus, like HIV-1, is currently linked by medical scientists to widespread human cancers. By the end of the symposium, the esteemed delegates concluded HIV's origin, and AIDS, was not likely to have come from polio vaccine transmissions as chimpanzees were not proven to have been used during the manufacture of this vaccine The hepatitis B vaccine was not considered by this esteemed gathering. Suspiciously neglected, this vaccine was produced in chimpanzees during pilot testing conducted in New York City, among gay men, and Central African villagers between 1972 and 1974. This was precisely timed for the emergence of AIDS in these exact, demographically distinct, communities by the late 1970s. The fact that this fact was neglected proves shoddy science or gross negligence at best.

  Importantly, among the most respected of all HIV/AIDS origin theorists, the U.S. Government's chief DNA sequence analyst at the Los Alamos Laboratory in New Mexico , Dr. Gerald Myers, reported with his colleagues that the origin of HIV could not have begun with "cut hunters" or other single isolated cross species transmissions (called "zoonosis"). He reported that genetic sequencing studies prove some "punctuated origin of AIDS event" took place during the mid-1970s giving rise, virtually simultaneously, to at least ten different HIV "clades" (or genetic subtypes) associated with ten different distinguishable AIDS epidemics in Africa alone. The most likely cause of this widespread bizarre zoonosis was some man-made (i.e., iatrogenic) event involving chimpanzees.

  Myers and his colleagues offered the following best explanation for the origin of HIV: "It is not far-fetched," they wrote, "to imagine the ten or so clades deriving from a single animal (perhaps immunosuppressed and possessing a swarm of variants) [as might have been the case with chimpanzees used in the process of hepatitis B vaccine manufacture] or from a few animals that might have belonged to a single troop or might have been gang-caged together. The number of animals required is secondary to the extent of variation in the source at the time of the zoonotic or iatrogenic event. The [vaccine] hypothesis makes a case for such a punctuated origin . . ." (See: Burr T, Hyman JM and Myers G. The origin of acquired immune deficiency syndrome: Darwinian or Lamarchkian? Phil. Trans. R. Soc. Lond. B (2001) 356:877-887.)

So if chimpanzees were not used to make the polio vaccine, and therefore the origin of HIV and AIDS did not come from this vaccine nor time period (1950s-early 1960s), then what other vaccine, given during the early to mid 1970s, might have used one or more SIVcpz-infected chimpanzees in the manufacturing process?

Dr. Horowitz unearthed and reprinted stunning scientific documents and National Institutes of Health contracts proving that chimpanzees, contaminated with numerous viruses, were used to produce hundreds of hepatitis B vaccine doses administered to central African Blacks along with homosexual men in New York City at precisely the time Dr. Myers and colleagues claim the origin of HIV "punctuated event" occurred. 

What God says about Sex

It's not surprising that in a time of growing biblical illiteracy, so few people have any idea what God thinks and says about the extremely important subject of sex. The world holds the Christian view of sex in contempt, considering it prudish, naïve and repressive. But the Bible elevates sexuality as God's gift to us that is both sacred and mysterious. The world's perspective degrades it to just something that feels good—another form of recreation or socialization.

Counselor Waylon Ward offers an insightful way to understand the problem, which he calls "the Pickle Principle." In order to make pickles, we put cucumbers in a brine solution of vinegar, spices, and water. After a cucumber soaks in the brine long enough, it is changed into a pickle. Most of us are like pickles. We sit in the brine of a sex-saturated culture, absorbing its values and beliefs, and it changes the way we think. Even most Christians are pickled today, believing and acting exactly like everyone else who has been sitting in the brine of a culture hostile to God and His Word.

The world's sex-saturated brine includes the belief that sex is the ultimate pleasure. The message of much TV, movies, and music is that there is no greater pleasure available, and that it is the right of every individual, even teenagers, to have this pleasure.{1}nother aspect of this pickling process is the belief that no one has the right to deprive anyone else of this greatest of all human pleasures, that no one has the right to tell anyone else what is right or wrong about the expression of his or her sexuality.{2}

If the purpose and goal of sex is primarily pleasure, then other people are just objects to be used for sensual gratification. Since people are infinitely valuable because God made us in His image, that is a slap in the face whether we realize it or not. The Christian perspective is that the purpose of sex is relational, with pleasure as the by-product. The Bible teaches that sex welds two souls together.{3} It is so powerful that it is only safe within a committed, covenant marriage relationship. It's like the difference between the wild energy of lightning compared to the harnessed power of electricity. God knew what He was doing when He limited sex to within marriage!

God wants to get His "pickled people" out of the world's brine and into an intimate relationship with Him. He wants to change our thinking and beliefs to be in alignment with His.

Sex is God's Invention! The Purpose of Sex

Sex is God's idea. He made it not only efficient for making babies, but pleasurable and deeply satisfying. He designed men's and women's body parts to complement each other. He created hormones to make everything work right and make us want to be sexual. Unlike animals, whose mating behavior is purely instinctive for the purpose of reproducing, human sexuality has several wonderful purposes. God means for all of them to be contained within marriage.

In a lifelong covenant of faithfulness between husband and wife, we can express and enjoy God's two major purposes to sex: fruitfulness and intimacy. His first command to Adam and Eve was to "be fruitful and multiply" (Gen. 1:28); one very foundational purpose of sex is to create new living beings. Fruitfulness is not limited to having children, though. A mutually loving and serving sexual relationship between husband and wife can produce emotional and personal fruitfulness as well. Both people are nurtured to grow, develop, and soar, becoming more of what God means them to be.

The other big purpose for sex, emotional and physical intimacy, is only possible within marriage. In his little gem of a book called What God Says About Sex,{4} Eric Elder says that intimacy really means "into-me-see." It is only safe to reveal the fullness of who we are, "warts and all," to someone who loves us and has committed to be faithful and supportive "till death do us part." The fullest experience and freedom of sex is found within the marriage bed, which God says to keep holy or set apart.{5} God says that we are to use self-control to keep all expressions of sexuality limited to marriage.{6}

Sex also builds oneness, a mystical union of two lives and souls into one life together. The one-flesh union of sex is a picture of the way two souls are joined together into a shared life. In fact, we could say that sex is like solder that is used to fuse two pieces of metal together. Once they are joined, it is a strong bond that helps keep marriages and families intact, which is God's intention for our lives. Another purpose of sex is the pleasure that comes from being safe in another's love. The entire book of Song of Solomon is gorgeous poetry that glorifies married sexual relations.

God also says that an important purpose of sex is to serve as an earthbound illustration of the mystical but real unity of Christ and the church, where two very different, very other beings are joined together as one. This spiritual component to sex is what helps us see more clearly why any and all sex outside of marriage falls far short of God's intention for it to be holy and sacred—and protected.

So . . . What Does God Actually Say?

A lot of people believe the Bible says, "Sex is fun and it feels good, so don't do it." Nothing could be farther from the truth! Sex was God's great idea in the first place! But God's view of sex as a sacred and private gift to married couples, as well as a gift each spouse gives to the other, is at great odds with the world's perspective of sex as simply a pleasure no one should deny him- or herself.

The overarching statement God makes is that sex is to be completely contained within marriage.{7} As I said above, sex is so powerful that it's like the difference between the wild, uncontrollable power of lightning compared to the safety of harnessed electricity in our buildings. God wants us to harness the power of sex within marriage. This means that all other expressions of sexuality are off-limits, not because God is a cosmic kill joy, but because He loves us and knows what's best for us, namely, not playing with lightning! So God says not to engage in sex with anyone before marriage, with anyone else once we are married, with anyone of the same sex; or with prostitutes, or with family members, or with animals.

God says that sexual purity is a treasure to be guarded and valued. It is a reflection of God's own character, which is what makes it so valuable. In our culture, many people have been deceived into thinking that their virginity is worthless, something to get rid of. But God says it is special,{8} a gift that can we can only bestow on one person, one time. God calls us to purity after marriage as well by remaining faithful to our spouse. Purity before and during marriage prevents "ghosts" in the marriage bed; comparisons are nowhere as deadly as in the intensely intimate realm of sex. We glorify God in our sexuality by using self-control to stay pure if single, and by loving our spouse sexually if married.

The good news is that purity can be restored if we confess our sin and put our trust in Jesus to forgive us and give us a new, holy quality of life. The Bible promises, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."{9} God stands ready to forgive and cleanse us, and restore our purity the moment we ask.

God says that sex is to be reserved for adults only. Three times in the Song of Solomon, a beautiful book extolling the glory of married sex, it says, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires," which means "until the time is right."{10} As I minister to sexually broken people,{11} most of them bear the still-painful scars of childhood sexual abuse from people who never should have opened a door to sexual experience. Their entire view of sex has been warped and skewed. God never meant for children to be introduced to sex. It's for adults. Married adults.

God wants us to actively fight sexual temptation. The battle is harder than it's ever been because of our sex-saturated culture. He says to flee immorality.{12} In fact, God says to offer not even a hint of sexual immorality.{13} That means that it is a violation of His intentions to engage in phone sex with strangers, or virtual sex in chat rooms and porn sites. The fact that you're not physically touching another person's body doesn't mean it's not sin, because Jesus said that sexual sin happens in the mind first.{14}

Eric Elder suggests asking a powerful question to help clarify the battle against sexual temptation: will this lead to greater intimacy and fruitfulness with the husband or wife God has created for me?{15} This filter is helpful for both married people and singles. If an action doesn't build intimacy or fruitfulness, it probably destroys them. Another question to ask is, Can I glorify God in what my flesh wants to do? Can I invite Jesus into what I'm about to do? If the answer is no, God invites us to meet the struggle with His supernatural energy instead of our own puny human strength.{16}

Outside of the safety of marriage, sex is wounding and hurtful, but God created it for our pleasure and delight. In the Song of Solomon, God enthusiastically invites the newlyweds to enjoy His good gift of sex, where He says, "Eat, friends, and drink, o lovers!"{17} In fact, God wants married couples to bless each other by enjoying sex often and regularly.{18}

Are you surprised by what God says about sex?

Why Sexual Sin Hurts So Much

Pastors and counselors will tell you that there is a greater intensity of shame and pain in the people they counsel when the issues involve sexual sin.{19} Paul says that all other sins are outside our bodies,{20} but sexual sin touches you deep in your heart and soul.

As mentioned above, it may be helpful to think of sex like solder. God created it to make a strong, powerful bond that creates healthy, stable families into which children are welcomed. But when people fuse their souls through sexual sin without the safety and commitment of marriage, it causes tremendous pain when the relationship rips apart. (Have you ever seen a broken weld? It's pretty ugly.) When sex is disconnected from love and commitment, it also disconnects the body from the soul. This inflicts deep wounds of shame and guilt on a heart that has been used for gratification instead of love.

Waylon Ward says that sex sins expose and exploit our deepest emotional and spiritual vulnerabilities. He writes, "In the counseling office, individuals rarely if ever weep scalding tears about any other sense of loss like they do for a sexual relationship when it ends. There are soul ties that bind two partners together in unseen ways and there is a sense that part of you has been stolen. There is a hole in your soul where the connection was ripped from you."{21}

The pickling brine of our culture's increased sensuality says, "If it feels good, do it. You're entitled." But while this belief about sex may feel good, it is most definitely not good for us. Note the runaway epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases, and the resulting increase in infertility. Note the number of broken hearts and broken families. Note the alarming amount of sexual abuse. Note the soaring rates of depression, especially in teens, much of which is related to sexual activity outside of marriage.

God invented sex for His glory and our benefit. His basic rule—keep sex inside marriage—isn't meant to be a killjoy, but to protect our hearts and bodies and relationships and families. He knows what He's doing, and we do well to follow.

Notes

1. Waylon Ward, Sex Matters: Men Winning the Battle (McKinney, Texas: Allison O'Neil Publishing Company, 2004), 7. This book can be ordered through Waylon's Web site, www.mercymatters.com.
2. Ibid., 8.
3. Gen. 2:24;1 Cor. 6:15-16.
4. Eric Elder, What God Says About Sex (Inspiringbooks.com, an imprint of Eric Elder, 2006). Contact www.WhatGodSays.com for more information.
5. Hebrews 13:4.
6. 1 Corinthians 6:18.
7. Forty-four prohibitions of porneia (sexual expression outside of marriage, usually translated "sexual immorality").
8. SoS 4:12.
9. 1 John 1:9.
10. SoS 2:7, 3:5, 8:4.
11. I have the privilege of serving with Living Hope Ministries (www.livehope.org), a support group for those dealing with unwanted same-sex attractions, and the families of those who struggle. (Or who don't struggle because they are just fully immersed in a gay identity.) I mainly minister to women, for whom a history of sexual abuse is a common denominator.
12. 1 Cor. 6:18.
13. Ephesians 5:3.
14. Matthew 5:28.
15. Elder, What God Says About Sex, 37.
16. Colossians 1:29, Ephesians 6:10.
17. SoS 5:1.
18. 1 Corinthians 7:5.
19. Ward, Sex Matters, 16.
20. 1 Corinthians 6:18.
21. Ward, Sex Matters, 17.

© 2007 Probe Ministries

Sex Killed these famous People

In recent news, a woman with 40 LL sized b*****s almost (accidentally) killed her husband during sex (using her b*****s): http://ow.ly/1y2d9 . In light of this (the husband is fine), we've found the 11 most notable examples of people unexpectedly dying during or because of sex in some way shape or form. The first two are Popes (condensed into one item, for your convenience)!

1. The Pope(s)

   

   Not one, but TWO Popes have died in delicato flagranto morto (Latin for "caught dead with your pants down"). We didn't want to cheat you into a redundant list, so we've condensed all the sex-related deaths died by a Pope into one item!
   
   1. Pope John XII (955-64) was getting his nub rubbed when an irate husband murdered him out of jealousy.
   
   2. Pope Paul II (1467-71) allegedly died while being sodomized by a page boy. The Pope had it hard back then, not having the resources to delegate his work out to lower Priests. Too soon?
   
   These two popes paved the way for two other casanovas of the same names who would eventually join a rock 'n' roll supergroup and revolutionize music as we know it.

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2. 
   
3. 2 Felix Faure

   

   French President Felix Faure went down while getting his twig and berries harvested. While the official cause of death was "a stroke" the actual cause of death was a little more juicy (please God, no pun intended).
   
   Faure suddenly died from apoplexy when engaging in extramarital sexual activities with his young office assistant.
   
   The poor lady is said to have gotten so scared over the event that she got lockjaw and had to be removed from the president's member via crowbar/surgery.
   
   Clinton doesn't know how good he had it.

   Comment
4. 3 Attila The Hun

   With 7 wives quite literally under his belt, it should come as no surprise that Attila the Hun liked it a bit rough.
   
   "The Hunster", as he was known by his close bros, retired after a night of tiresome raping and pillaging only to have it dished back to him by his equally well-built and roughplay-loving lovepartner.
   
   He was found dead from a palm-to-nose job. That's right, she probably punched him in the face. He suffered from a severe nosebleed from this brutal hit he took and then choked to death.

   Comment
5. 
   
6. 4 Nelson Rockefeller

   The Vice-President under Ford (he beat out George H.W. Bush) was found dead after giving some dicktation to an aide, Megan Marshack. He suffered from a heart attack during intercourse with his mistress.
   
   Due to her anxiety about the consequences of the press and political reasons, Megan failed to call the ambulance until an hour later. When the ambulance found him, he was barely alive.
   
   There was an immediate "Weekend At Bernie's"-style put-into-place, and then he was found dressed (and dead) on his desk.
   
   In this clip at the 1960 RNC, he tried to get folks to repudiate the right wing... cuz you know ... they spoil all the fun.
   

   Comment
7. 5 Errol Flynn

   With all of his daring do, the this swashbuclker's buckle finally got swashed. After a week long bender in 1959, Errol retired to the back bedroom of his yacht to cut another notch into his saber.
   
   The original "Man In Tights" was found dead within a half an hour, suffering from a heart attack. While a cover up ensued, and there is still wide debate over whether he actually died DURING sex, his legend lives on forever.

8. Bob Crane

   Bob Crane didn't die during sex but because of it; A LOT of sex. HE was found bludgeoned to death by a tri-pod in a Scottsdale, AZ condo.
   
   What was discovered was a stash of of personal sex pics and videos the internet would covet. Several pages and a few carefully cataloged videos were removed. The theory is that he slept with the wrong woman and was whacked... and not in the fun way, but The Sopranos way. A murderer was never convicted.

   Comment
9. 
   
10. 7 David Carradine

    If you are like most people you responded to the news of David Carradine, found dead and nude in Bangkok, Thailand with
    "I loved him, but at least he died happy."
    
    The "Kung-Fu" and "Kill Bill" star was found with a rope tied to his neck, wrist and genitals, hung in his hotel room closet.
    
    While at first suicide was suspected, two autopsies concluded that autoerotic asphyxiation, or "accidental asphyxiation" was the lovemaking culprit in this epic end to a Hollywood legend.

    Comment
11. 8 Michael Hutchence

    The INXS frontman was found, alone, Shaboo Shabad in his apartment in Australia, hanging by his neck. A rope was bound around Michael's neck and genitals, while his hands were tied behind his back. Though originally the coroner reported the death was a result of suicide due to severe depression, the actual cause of death was actually autoerotic asphyxiation, also known as the "double hang". No word on whether or not the devil inside came out. INXS reference? Anyone?... Moving on.

    Lass: "Wasn't rope it was his belt and he was on ......

    Comments (1)
12. 
    
13. 9 Kristian Digby

    Just last month, BBC host Kristian Digby joined the ranks of Hutchense and Carradine. He died solo, but with a twist, rather than using the standard rope of his predecessors, he used a plastic bag and a belt. Note: Condoms are not for your head.

    Calum Knott: "what possible basis do you have for how he......

    Comments (1)
14. 10 John Garfield

    

    John Garfield, star of "The Postman Rings Twice" and "Body and Soul" had hit a rough patch. After a year of being nailed by Congress for denying he had knowledge of the Commies, he took on an little extra pink of his own, actress Iris Whitney.
    
    While undergoing a perjury rap by the House of UnAmerican Activities, he was found dead in her bed.
    
    Diagnosed with heart problems, he wasn't feeling well one night when Iris put him to bed and she found him dead the next morning as a result of a heart attack. Garfield was only 39.

How Sex Can Kill You.

Cosmo Magazine, that bastion of reliable medical advice, declares, “An orgasm almost killed her.”

Intrigued, gynecologist Amy Tuteur reads further, and finds its about case where a woman developed stroke-like symptoms after intercourse, and was diagnosed with an embolic stroke.

The patient was taking the birth control pill, which can raise the risk of blood clots. In this case, it was also combined with the presence of a patent foramen ovale, allowing the clot to travel into her brain, whereas normally, it would have stayed in her heart.

She also discusses other ways sex can kill, writing, “Anyone who has an abnormal blood vessel in the brain is at risk for bleeding into the brain if the blood pressure rises, and sex can cause a temporary rise in blood pressure. For those with heart problems, sexual activity can lead to a heart attack. For those with heart problems who are cheating on a spouse, the risk of a heart attack appears to be even higher. It must be the added effect of guilt on the blood pressure.”

Women Cheat More than Men -study.

Are men or women more likely to cheat? While men have always had a worse reputation for being unfaithful, recent studies show that women are catching up fast - but we are a lot more likely to lie about it, and a lot less likely to get caught.

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Simply put, it seems that women are better at having affairs than men.

The news that Farrah Fawcett had a secret affair for 11 years without telling a soul is a classic example of the way a woman cheats: discreetly, in secret, and while carrying on with the rest of her life as normal.

It has been met with hot denials by Ryan O'Neal, but - and I'm sorry to break it to you this way, Ryan - you'd be the last to know.

According to Dr David Holmes, a psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, women are having more affairs than ever - recent studies say the figure is around 20 per cent for men and a bit over 15 per cent for women - but they behave very differently from men when they cheat.

'The biggest difference is that women are much better at keeping their affairs secret,' he says. 'If you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 per cent of children haven't been fathered by the man who thinks he's the biological parent.'

That's a lot of women keeping a lot of secrets. One woman I know - let's call her Juliet - has been married to Adrian for ten years, and having an affair with Mark for the past two.

She has told me and her sister - otherwise, she says, she's '100 per cent certain' that nobody else knows.

'I won't allow Mark to call me on my mobile or email me, ever. Mobiles and email leave a trail. I insist we talk on our office landlines, and when we meet for drinks or dinner, we pay with cash.

'We work in the same field, so meeting for lunch doesn't look suspicious. If we meet in the evening, I tell Adrian I'm with my sister, and meet Mark a few miles away, where we won't bump into anyone.'

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Does she feel guilty about the affair? 'Not so long as Adrian doesn't find out. You know the 11th commandment: don't get caught.'

Women have always had affairs, but over the past 20 years that number has risen dramatically.

Jobs outside the home - with the ready-made excuse of working late or business travel - financial independence and changing social attitudes mean that modern women simply have more opportunity to meet other men and start affairs.

Mobile phones, internet chat rooms and email also make it easier to fuel intimate encounters.

But while women's lives and sexual behaviour might have changed, their willingness to be honest about it hasn't.

We lie so much that often we don't even think of it as lying at all, but as 'relationship management'

The truth is that we have always lied about our sex lives. British men consistently claim to have had more partners than women - the current average is 13, while women claim to have had only nine.

Plainly, someone is lying here. While men might exaggerate their sexual conquests, the bigger liars are women.

When studies about sexual partners or fidelity use a mixture of face-to-face interviews and anonymous computer questionnaires, men will give the same answers to both, but women will report much higher numbers when the answers are anonymous.

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Why do women lie? Because we must, and because we can. In spite of apparent equality and a more sexually open society, we are still more harshly judged for our sex lives than men.

Can you imagine a leading female politician having an affair and her husband standing loyally by her?

Behind closed doors: Working women have more opportunities to have affairs

Or the reaction to a female CEO having a public affair with her young male assistant?

There is something particularly humiliating for a man about being made a cuckold. So we lie to protect ourselves from the judgments of others, and because sexual 'reputation' still matters more to women, whether we like it or not.

But we also lie naturally and instinctively, as a way to manage and control our relationships, to protect our partners and our families, and to keep our options open.

In fact, we lie so much and for so many reasons that often we don't even think of it as lying at all, but as 'relationship management'.

www.pop97.com

Women are taught to lie from childhood. Those simple, altruistic lies such as saying we've had a lovely time when we haven't, that someone looks nice when she doesn't, or that we're delighted with a gift we don't really like, are just some of the small ways that lying oils the wheels of our social lives, keeps the peace, and makes other people happy.

Girls will lie to protect someone's feelings or to build a relationship. Honesty, in these circumstances, looks highly overrated, and we quickly learn the value and power of being economical with the truth in relationships.

Many women also develop a habit of secrecy about smaller issues in their relationship as a way of maintaining some kind of control.

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It's common, for example, for women to lie to their partners about how much money they have spent - even when they don't need to.

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Top Ten Sex Myths.

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Let’s face it: Sex is on our minds all the time. We live it, breathe it and will do almost anything to get it. A man’s sex drive is an innate, natural force. With sex and desire playing such important roles in our lives, you’d think we would all have a better grasp on it. However, truth be told, many men are misinformed about sex, from how to get the most pleasure out of their love life to how to stay safe and healthy in the bedroom. Want to test your sex IQ? Check out these top 10 sex myths to see how your knowledge stacks up.

No.10 Great sex comes naturally

The physical chemistry you see on TV and in the movies suggests that when two lovers meet, sparks fly and mind-blowing sex naturally follows. As we all know, in the real world, it’s not always that easy. The human body doesn’t come with an instruction manual. The “tricks of the trade” that pleased a former partner do not always translate with someone new. Good communication is the key to good sex, as is a willingness to be open to trying new techniques and positions to find out what each partner finds pleasurable. It can be a little awkward at first to over-communicate during sex, but think about the outcome: a partner who knows how to do it right every time.

No.9 Men have more sexual urges than women

Though many men would have you believe they’re ready to go 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the truth is that men experience daily fluctuations in libido, as do women. A man’s readiness to hop in the sack can be impacted by many of the same factors that impact a woman’s level of desire, including diet, sleep, health, stress, medical conditions, self-confidence, and relationship disharmony.

No.8 After a certain age, sex is no longer important

Sex is an important aspect of physical and emotional health and well-being for adults of all ages, even those in their golden years. While some people believe that a decrease in libido is a natural part of aging, a loss of sexual desire can be related to a number of other factors including hormone deficiencies, depression, anxiety disorders, side effects of medication, changes to a relationship, communication barriers, or loss of a spouse or partner.

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No.7 Viagra is the answer

While many people believe Viagra and other similar oral medications are the best or only treatment for men with erectile dysfunction, the truth is that for many men these drugs are not a viable option or they simply are not effective. Oral medications are only a temporary fix to a problem that may have other underlying health causes that should be addressed by a qualified physician. In addition, many men with health conditions, including hypertension and diabetes, cannot take oral prescriptions due to serious potential side effects or contraindications with other medications. For men who cannot use oral meds, there are a number of other options including urethral suppositories and ICP, an injection that produces an erection within minutes.

No.6 Size matters

Even if every guy you know can probably tell you exactly how big his penis is, size is not a barometer for manhood. As anyone with sexual experience knows, true sexual enthusiasm far outweighs any gifted parts. And contrary to another popular sex myth, the size of your member has nothing to do with the size of your hands or feet.

No.5 Certain foods can put you in the mood

Named for the Greek goddess of sensuality and love, aphrodisiacs are said to put you in the mood. While oysters, dark chocolate, strawberries, and tiger penis might make you feel l’amour, there is no scientific evidence to support the validity of aphrodisiacs. However, while there is no science to foods and/or herbs causing arousal, a certain food can trigger an erotic memory or desire in your own mind -- so in a sense, we all have our own aphrodisiacs.

No.4 Oral sex is safer than vaginal and anal sex

From teenagers to former President Bill Clinton, oral sex seems to have the stigma of a “free pass” as far as sexual relationships go. Yes, it does count as sex, and yes, you can get a sexually transmitted disease from oral sex. There is still an exchange of fluids, meaning that diseases can enter your body through sores or small cuts in your mouth and throat.

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No.3 Premature ejaculation only affects young men

Some men do find that premature ejaculation begins at the onset of sexual maturity, but plenty of men also find it to be an issue later in life. In fact, premature ejaculation affects 30% of men at sometime in their lives.

Often, early ejaculation in men who are in their 30s or older is a co-symptom of erectile dysfunction or fatigue, poor cardiovascular conditioning, depression, anxiety, or neurological symptoms.

No.2 Fantasizing about someone else is a bad thing

A large part of the sexual experience starts with your brain, not your body, and sometimes your brain can wander. If you are committed to your lady, and your relationship is in a good place, it’s OK to think about Angelina (Jolie) or Megan (Fox) every now and then.

No.1 Women can't get pregnant if a man pulls out

The “pull-out” method, also known as the rhythm method, is potentially the worst possible form of birth control. Men do not always know when ejaculatory fluid begins to seep out -- and even ahead of a perceptible orgasm, pre-ejaculate (which includes sperm) is released and is enough to get a woman pregnant. In fact, one in five couples who use this method as their only form of birth control over the course of a year will end up pregnant.

Now that you’ve brushed up your knowledge on the top 10 sex myths, you can go out and have the best sex of your life. Just remember: While it is very important to stay safe and be smart, sex is not only a necessary bodily function, but also a very enjoyable bodily function.

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